The Great Process of 2020

My perspective at the time when COVID 19 seemed unfathomable.

This beginning piece was written the last week of March 2020.

Where does one even begin to process and endure a global pandemic? Three weeks ago i was happily visiting The San Antonio Botanical Gardens, having lunch and tea with a dear friend, enjoying a beautiful Sunday afternoon. The sky was blue, the weather was clear, spring blossoms covered the gardens in an array of robust colors, pinks, reds, purple, yellows, with green lush everywhere. People walked everywhere, children ran freely, couples walked hand in hand. The visual picture filling my eyes, the smell of fresh florals everywhere, green grass, fresh air with the feeling of peace and harmony everywhere. One of my most favorite places to be in San Antonio. My dear friend Beth and I spoke, we shared the events in the days and months to come, discussing books, yoga, nutrition, spirituality, all the things that make our hearts happy. Plans for 2020, as 2019 proved to be so eventful, full of memories, weekend trips, spiritual conferences with people like Gabby Bernstein and Dr. Joe Dispenza to name a few. 2019 was filled with trips, vacations with my husband, vacations to see family, dinners, gathering of friends, parties, celebrations, weddings.

So many happy moments defined by people, relationships, family, and friends.

Nobody knew what 2020 would soon bring.

I had attended church earlier that morning, so my spiritual cup was filled to the brim with light, love, and gratitude.

Little did I know, of the temporary city ban to come in the weeks to follow and how this would be one of the last times i would be able to visit or allowed to enter into The Botanical Gardens or just go to my beloved church. Yoga studios including the one I taught at would shut its doors forever, not being able to sustain the economical impact of mandatory social distancing. And I say this with a heart of hope because i know the lives that we all once knew will return to a state of normalcy for whatever that means for you. Or maybe when this is all said and done in the months to follow we will come out of this new and refreshed with a fresh zest for life, with a different sense of awareness for our environment, our community, a deeper sense of gratitude, a deeper sense of love.

I first heard of COVID several weeks(January/February 2020) ago in the news and how the rapid spread of the virus was taking lives in China and Italy. As a healthcare provider my heart instantly felt saddened and distressed by the news. The facts kept coming in and as the days went by, the virus continued to travel closer and closer. The news became overwhelming with the cases rising and rising. My fear for both my husband and I started to hit close to home, as we both work so closely with patients. My husband would be on the front lines as a Respiratory Therapist and my role as a Family Nurse Practitioner. How would our roles and how would our practice change? The fear, worry, and doubt started to set in for our children, our family members, our friends, our community. The true fear of the unknown.

Over the course of my life I've learned that being the calm in the storm served most beneficial in the most stressful times. This in turn has given me a deeper sense of awareness on how to hold my ground both personally and professionally. Looking back at my life where I had to choose higher ground for survival, the idea of sink or swim. Times that made me resilient, times or situations that exposed me to emotions that I necessarily did not want to feel. I learned how to manage, how to cope, how to deal, but most importantly how to grow stronger from the experiences, the trials, the tribulations.

Resiliency, strength, and determination. Words that you just cant say, words you have to live through to understand the true meaning behind them.

That's where I was emotionally in March of 2020.

Fast forward to today, 9 months later....

I stopped writing. I stopped lots of things. I stopped yoga. I stopped so many things that I no longer felt a connection or a passion to. I kept thinking things would just get better and would work themselves out and I would eventually return to all the things that I loved.

I kept thinking I would be able to come back to this space, this particular writing piece and tie everything up with a happy ending of strength, resiliency, and positivity. A short piece of how we all overcame, learned, grew, accepted, and processed. But life continued to evolve and change, not just for me, but for the entire world. I decided to stand still and wait.

I stopped. The best thing for me to do in times of high stress is to not to react but to conserve. I find this method important in order to allocate my emotional energy to appropriate situations such as the people I love and care for most. I knew needed to stop, breathe, wait, and PRAY. To concentrate and give my energy and emotion to my family and my home. To hold stable ground as the world went in circles. To Pray.

Little did I know, looking back, little did I know what I would endure, what WE would endure as a family, as a community, as a nation. We would go through a monumental time in history that would never be forgotten. It would prove to be one of the greatest challenges of our lives.

I'm still processing this pandemic and so many other things that went along with it in the healthiest way I know how, the loss, the fears, the unknown.

And slowly but surely as I peak out into the horizon to see the light in the distance, I can see the light of strength, resiliency and patience. Slowly but surely I return to the things that I love, slowly and surely I arise out of the murky waters and the story continues, to be continued.